Being a "MOM"

What does it mean to be a "MOM?"

Man that something we could go on for days thinking about right?

What does it mean to be a mom?

wow, there is so much I can say about the mom topic. Like other bloggers/ writers we all have our different interpretations on motherhood for sure. Being a mom is a very selfless act. There is so much more to being a mom than just having a baby and calling it good. When you break down everything that a mom does its seems a little bit overwhelming to say the least. I remember being seventeen and finding out I was pregnant with my first baby, I was absolutely terrified and excited at the same time. When do I do? how will I know if im in labor? What if something is wrong with the baby? I had a million thoughts that ran through my head on a daily basis and I feared mostly that I was going to fail this fragile little baby.

It was mostly that inner fear of what if me and that dad dont work? what if he isnt happy about having a baby? what if we make horrible parents, yes that was a thought.

I was so scared out of my mind. After having her and learning all the in's and out's to changing a diaper, Making a bottle or breastfeeding, and learning how to train her for a new sleep pattern I began to get the hang of things. Even though I was adjusting to being this new mom to this baby, fragile infant soul there were times I definitely needed the extra help.

There were countless times I called my own mom for help because I didnt know what to do. The colic cries in the middle of the night and me crying because I felt so helpless to help her. When I'm so exhausted from waking up every two hours to change and feed her and it felt like the most rewarding yet exhausting job I've ever had. Me and her have had our fair share of crying battles that is for sure. There have been so many times when I felt like she deserved a better mom. I had a little bit of depression and tried working my way through it without meds but I couldnt. I took anti depressants everyday till she was about three and a half. It wasnt till after my second baby that I stopped taking my meds and started a new kind of anti depressant because the one I was on made me have suicidal thoughts as we upped the dose. I ended up experiencing my first ever panic attack. 

With my second son I felt a little more at ease because I had an idea of what to expect. Another yet C-section I knew what to expect with that one and I knew it wasnt a easy recovery by any means. After my daughter getting stuck after sixteen hours of labor... WOOO I thought "NOPE IM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!!!" till you forget the pain and think "AWE.... I want another baby!"

But nope I was in for a rude awakening with my second, my first son. I had moments with him that I was glad I listened to my gut and pushed for my dr to do extensive testing. Thank god/ the universe for helping through that rough patch and helping me to listen to my gut. My son was born at 35 weeks due to hemorrhaging in the umbilical cord and he was loosing oxygen and passing out in the womb. It was the most terrifying moment as a mother already and seeing your poor son in the N.I.C.U on all the breathing tubes, IV's, Blood pressure cuff, ect. That was one of the hardest moments as a mother. I bawled thinking "My body failed him, this is all my fault. How could I have prevented this?" I felt so useless, ashamed, and so scared that going home without my baby he wouldnt know me. I went into this fear and extreme jealousy that the nurses got to be with my baby more than I did. It just wasnt fair to me. I wanted to be there 24/7 to make sure that nothing bad would happen to him. Not that it would with all the professional staff around. But in my heart I wanted to be able to know everything about him. I had really bad post pardom depression. I felt like my time to bond with him was taken from me. I felt like a horrible mom. I had my daughter and my husband and all I wanted was my baby. I obsessed over being there at the hospital with him every day till he could come home. It was a struggle. More tears, trying to be as gentle as I can because he was so tiny and boney. there it was again "I DONT WANT TO FAIL YOU SON." I would cry in the tub thinking how am I going to love both these kids and care for two at the same time? can I do it ? what if im not good enough or what if they grow up and hate their life and its all my fault?

After to adjusting to my new baby and finally getting used to loving and playing with both my babies I felt a sense of joy. I held them in my body and that is so amazing!! I am doing the best I can to make sure they are safe and healthy, and at that moment I started to feel a little more confident that I was going to be ok and that they are doing ok to. capturing all the fun moments and all there first opportunities at life with walking and talking and all the fun cute faces. Then BAM life takes a turn.. We lost twins.. There was that feeling again, what did I do wrong ? Why did they miscarry? how could this happen? I was so devastated. why is being a mom so damn hard sometimes. Just when you are doing good, everything goes sideways. All I could think of was the genders and who they would be if I had them and what would they look like? We had a really hard time with that for a while. later down the road we were able to have our third and final living baby boy. he was healthy, great pregnancy, and came out cute as a button. he was a want to be vbac baby but I had a placental abruption. 

All was well till he turned about 9 months and then I had my last and final miscarriage and I lost my baby girl. The hardest part about that was that I had to have a hysterectomy just before mothers day in 2014. It was the worst and best Mothers Day. My husband made sure that I was taken care of and my kids drew me the sweetest pictures that I have still today. I went through a roller coaster of emotions after that because I always want to have another girl so my daughter had a sister. It took all year to accept my new path in life. So .... what does it mean to be a mom?

It means you are going to have hard times. You are going to feel like the biggest failure at times and then you will have times where you think you are just super kick ass.. you will cry in the bathroom when you are taking a pee because its the only time you get two minutes alone before someone yells "MOM." Its going to be the moments when you come home late from work and see you babies crashed out all in the same bed because they love eachother. its going to be moments when you wish you could have a bottle of wine at 10AM because your kids have been fighting since they opened their eyes. being a mom is a blessing whether you adopt or have your own you will still experience the good and the bad and still have to stick it out because they need you. being a mom isnt some peachy walk in the park. its being their stepping stones to make sure they dont get to far off track. you are going to fail, cry,get depressed, have anxiety and even moments when you say fuck it here is the T.V. leave me alone for a hour and just go cry it out and then come back and give them all hugs and tell them how much you adore the shit out of you babies. they will always be your babies even when they are almost 11 like my daughter. It's ok to be scared and fell useless but dont stay there, move on and enjoy them while they are little. the mess can wait, the dishes can pile up and the laundry .... well that has to be done because no one wants dirty undies you know? we arent perfect moms. they dont exist but we love our kids unconditionally and would die to make sure that they are living. you always give 110% because they need it. then after bedtime you can have that wine or read that book. that will be the time you have to take care of yourself. YOU ARE ALL AMAZING but DONT do crack. live a good life and have fun making memories with the littles. they grow up WAY TO FAST!!! from a fellow mom how fells like she is screwing it all up!!

 Love KIM

yes my grammar isnt great and I'm tired but follow, share with a fellow mom, and know you all rock
!!