Depression and anxiety

My experience with Anxiety and Depression.

The picture above is me on a good day. I felt good and I wanted to get all dolled up for a change.

Its didnt last long though. by the time I got to my parents house to decorate cookies with my kids, the contacts came out and the lipstick came off. I can only hide behind the chemicals for so long. Make up is my go to when Im feeling down and insecure. It hides my acne somewhat but not all the way. I makes me feel like I look better to look at. It hides how I really feel inside. 

The picture above Im smiling and I look happy. 

deep down I have a huge struggle like a lot of people with anxiety and depression. I have tried several meds, alternative meds, Yoga, and Im learning to meditate.

Some people wonder " Why do you have depression and anxiety? you have everything!"

I have a wonderful husband, three of the most wonderful children, a home, a car, food ,ect. The one thing I dont have is my shit in my head together.

Im perfectly Fucked UP!!

yes its possible to have it all and yell still fell like you are a burden to the world, a waste of space, like you dont belong, or everything that goes wrong is all your fault (even if it isnt).

Yes its possible to wake up in the morning if you even have slept, with your heart racing and the feeling of ice run through your veins because you have had anxiety trying to fall asleep the night before.  

its possible to go from happy and smiling to tears because you hate everything about yourself despite what others think of you.

behind closed doors I cry a lot. I think to much and I always wonder what life would be like if I just felt really good. What I could accomplish if I didnt live with a cloud constantly raining over my head 24/7. If i could just be a better mom, sister, friend, wife , daughter. "I needed to be better."  I tell myself every day of my life. Why am I not good enough. why did I have to be told when I was little that I was ugly? I had big teeth, Im not worth it? Im a looser. now I have carried others opinions of me through my life and its destroying me. Its always in the back of my head 

What the hell am I doing?

Why is it so fucking hard to love myself?

Why is it so fucking hard to be myself ?

Why do I care about other people and their opinions?

Why do I suffer like this?

Im so awkward, I ramble when I get nervous, and I treat others better than I treat myself. 

It feels like no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, its never good enough.

you think of all the fun activities you want to do with your kids but you dont want to get out of bed.

you want to go on a date but your stomach just turns because you are around people and "what if they see me?" 

Some days I wished I wasnt born. Somedays Im so happy to be alive. Its a constant battle with myself. 

If you suffer then you know what I mean.

Ive blamed my astrological sign being a cusp baby. I have so much Leo and yet im so Virgo at the same time. 

I blamed being a introvert and extrovert. I dont belong to just one thing. Im so torn between happy and sad.  I struggle with days when I feel like I look beautiful and not.

to skinny and to jiggley, to bubbley or not talking enough. I am a mess.

But their is a bright side to being so fucked up in the head.

I still am here, still alive, and still loving.

I get to be in the arms of a man that has given his all to make me happy.

my babies love me unconditionally.

my friends (the few I have) are priceless and will never be replaceable.

the sun cam up and makes me smile, and the sun goes down and makes me smile. I still have so much to be grateful for and I have to remember that on the days that I feel absolutely useless. some days its a struggle but i push through because tomorrow is a new day. so much can happen in just a day. dont take what you are going through to seriously unless its causing a real health issue. 

I am up and down a lot still trying to juggle all my emotions but just so you know "you arent alone!" it takes alot to share with the world somewhat how you feel. I am human and doing my best to be a good one. I will keep going if you will too!!

LIVE

Laugh

Fuck others opinions

cry and let shit go!!!

tomorrow is a new day.

yours truly 

Kim

2023 update!

I seen my doctor back in November and I was finally diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type. The same day is also diagnosed with OCD PTSD, as well as MDD.

I’m also possibly on the spectrum of autism I’m still waiting to see my therapist. Going back and reading through these gives me so much relief and helping me find myself and understanding myself.

Am I fucked up in the head? Maybe sometimes I feel like I don’t understand everything everybody says, but that doesn’t mean I’m broken. This life is fucked up towards people who are on the spectrum of course because in their eyes, they think we’re stupid, or in other words, a retard (I hate that word)  and really, we are extremely brilliant, but we don’t know where to focus our attention or sometimes how to do things because we don’t have the energy physically for them. I’m learning more about myself every single day, but I had to share that I finally have a diagnosis and understanding.